A matter of life and death

As well as being the title of one of my favourite films, a matter of life and death has been a subject curent in my mind. At my age (63) I suppose that it is natural that some of my contemporaories will fade away. I don't seem to experience grief in the same way that others do. I am of course sorry that I will not see this person again but people frequently enter and leave our lives in other circumstances leaving a gap where they used to be and we cope. The dynamics of relationships are frequently reorganising themselves.

When a person has been in physical or mental pain it is good to know that they will no longer be suffering. Their component parts will dissolve into and be absorbed by the universe. It is always sad to lose a friend but we are presented with the opportunity to meet new ones. I am pleased to have had the opportunity to see both my parents shortly before they died. They seemed to know what was about to happen and we were at peace with each other. I probably felt more grief as a child as I didn't understand the process. The saddest part is the folks that are left behind who can't cope with the loss.

A friend once told me after I had a mastectomy that I should grieve for my lost breast! I found this rather comical and could never see the point. As far as I was concerned it had been there to keep my bra in place and balance the other one so how could I grieve for it? As I have always been well endowed it was a good way to lose weight.

When a dearly loved pet dies, I am very sad as I had care of this creature and tried my best to make it comfortable and happy. Maybe losing a child is like this but I'll never know. Maybe it is different when death is unexpected.

A friend who died recently has given instructions that the mourners should wear red, what a wonderful idea. Peter Sellars left instructions in his will for the Glen Miller version of "In the mood" to be played at his funeral although he actually hated it as it was excruciantingly cheerful! I have stipulated that the awful Tai Chi Melody to be played at mine! Haha! Gotcha!

It is a curious fact that for years I have been wishing that I was dead and now I am glad to be alive. I'm not scared of dying as living is much more scary and much harder to do.

After a bad motor cycle accident many years ago I had a "near death experience", the typical "going along a white tunnel towards the light" thing. I remember going towards prople dressed in white who were talking together. When they saw me they said that it wasn't my time and I had to go back. I felt rather disappointed as this place seemed very pleasant and I wanted to stay.

After suffering a cardiac arrest on the operating table recently I had another strange experience. I immediately went into a space where there were beautiful sounds and colours that I had never heard or seen before which was an extremely pleasurable sensation. I came to after my heart was re-started and sat up on the operating table saying to the assembled medics "That was interesting!". I would like to think that being dead was like that but I strongly suspect that this was just the beginning of the process. If I find a way of sending a message when I'm dead I'll let you know.